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Things You Don’t Want To Hear On Your Summer Vacation

  • "Wow, nice shark bite"
  • "I got us a great discount if we agree to be drug mules"
  • "We can't afford Disney World. We're taking you kids to Carpet World"
  • "Please, do as the Somali pirates say"
  • "Dude, you don't remember hooking up with Snooki?"
  • "Do you want a room facing the pool or the mountainous border region of Pakistan?"
  • "Close your eyes while swimming or the oil will blind you"


Christmas Joke

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.   "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". 

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she  shouts, "I'll take care of this".  

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
 
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."